Man...so sad to remember 9/11. I remember that day at South-Doyle (High School, where I taught Spanish), how the students ran into my classroom during the 10am class change shouting for us to turn on the t.v.. We were confused by what we saw. Still standing, the towers looked like gigantic smokestacks. Nothing registered. On the news, since it was not one but two planes that had crashed into the towers, the media was just beginning to face the likelihood that it was an intentional act, even a terrorist attack. My second period took their seats with hushes and murmurs, fixated on the little 19” t.v. above the chalkboard at the front of the room.
As a 22 yr old teacher I didn’t know what to do, how to react, or what was my role with my students during something like this. At first I resisted the chaos, requiring all of my second period class to take their seats and begin quietly working on vocabulary sheets for our new chapter while we tracked the news. It wasn’t long, though, before the notion of attempting schoolwork that day would become foul.
I was standing at the back of the room, walking up and down the aisles checking homework, but still glued to the t.v. all the same, when the first tower collapsed. I felt a wail of protest inside, as I knew I was witnessing hundreds of people dying before my eyes. And yet it was like my emotions couldn't catch up to what I was seeing--there were no tears, just a stillness and a frozen silence that came over the room.
Suddenly I was sorry, sorry that I hadn't fully recognized the gravity of the situation quickly enough, and feeling self-contemptuous that there I was standing in the aisle checking homework while real people on live television had been taking their final breaths. It was that moment I yielded myself to the tragedy and gave myself and my students permission to just be, and float in our stupor of disbelief. The second tower followed, and the rest of the day was a haze of just being together in the unknown.
In 2005 on my first visit to NYC I was shopping solo at this great discount department store (Sarah or KJ what's the name of it again?). When I walked out I found myself right on top of the WTC site. The huge fenced-in void felt so loud and so silent at once, evoking the same stillness we felt in the classroom that day.
Usually I have a hard time slowing down enough to pay attention to this day, but today I light a candle for all who are missed, and pray for understanding for our nation, especially in the way of non-retaliation.
2 comments:
It's "Century 21"
thanks for writing this Holly. Helps to hear other people's stories and know you weren't the only person who felt confused by the initial confusion, ie: resulting in self-contempt.
thanks kj. were you in NYC at the time?
yes, century 21. i really liked that place.
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